popouri

this will probably be very disjointed, so consider yourself forewarned.

i've been wondering about god and religion recently, most specifically whether there is an afterlife or not. i find myself desiring an afterlife, but my rational mind keeps telling me that this life is it. i find no evidence of a higher power, or an afterlife except the prevalent belief in one by true believers(or even partial believers), and i can't help but think that they are just deluding themselves. i yearn to be able to believe like i think they do, but seem unable to accomplish it. i wish i could be like i was as a child, when i accepted things without questioning them, but i know that it is impossible, as experience gets in the way. i also know i don't really want that, i just want the peace that comes with it. i think that this whole things comes from not doing exactly what i want in life, and therefore feeling unsatisfied. i suppose that somehow i think that being able to believe in god, and an afterlife would give me some sort of satisfaction.

i truly desire to live in a different way than i am, but my problem is that what i want to do doesn't provide me with the finances to buy the things i want. i don't think of myself as materialistic, but when i think what i would like to do, i realise that i would not be able to afford most of the diversions that i like. maybe i'm just lazy, but the things i find truly enjoyable are not ones that i've found a good way to make money at. here is a brief list of things i enjoy: camping, music(recording, and listening), computers, pottery, cooking, html. part of my problem is that i'm not great at any one thing, but instead am good at many things. my greatest desire would be to find one thing that i was outstanding at, and devote my life to it, but as of now, i have not found that "calling."

i feel now at 32 how i imagine that other people felt at 18. i've always been a little behind in terms of where my life is. when i graduated from high school, i went to college not because i wanted to, but because i thought i was supposed to. i now realise that i should have gone to work for a couple of years, and then i think my college experience would have been better(ie graduating instead of attending for 7 years and ending up without a degree). even now i feel underdeveloped both socially, and professionally.

creativity has always been a goal of mine, but i don't seem to be able to find an outlet. i imagine that most people feel this way, but i don't really know. i tend to know people who have found a way to express themselves creatively, so maybe i'm the only one.

my main joy comes from playing(i assume most people are this way), but somehow i feel that in this day and age i should be able to find a job that feels like playing. i've always believed that everyone should find something that really interests them and make that into a career. i just haven't been able to make it happen. i would love a job that involved music, video and computers, but i haven't found one yet. the problem is that many of those jobs would require me to start at an entry level, something that i'm not in a financial state to do right now. i know it's not much, but my current expenses, before food and entertainment, are around $1000 per month. that means that i need to make at least $10 and hour to even live. my expenses would be even more if i was living in my own apartment, as i'm only paying $300 per month in rent to my friends(thank you craig and carmen), and a one room apartment in vegas starts around $700 per month. in a year, my monthly expenses will go down by $310 per month as i get my car paid off, but a year seems like a long time away. of course right now i would take just about any job as i need to be able to pay next months bills when they come due. i'm seriously considering moving back to my parents and working for their radio shack/computer repair store/bookstore, as i know that would make me enough money to pay my bills, the problem is that i've really grown to love las vegas, and would like to continue to live here, and to do that i need a job, and to do that i need to be living here. i suppose i could go work for my parents for a couple of months, save some money, and then come back to vegas to look for work.

anyhow, this all comes from being depressed because i have no job, and a pretty immediate need for money. so if anyone wants to contribute to my needs, just click on the paypal link on the right(please lol at this, as i'm not serious).

Name:


Email Address:


URL:





Comments:


Remember info?